The Thin Blue Line  and an unexpected pregnancy
by TimrousBeastie
Summary: Cracky. Very cracky. Something fun, funny, random, and totally AU i suspect. A bit of fluff  but that's not the point. Rose and the Dr get drunk... And it leads to very suprising results. Rated M for lang


**A/N: Don't ask where this came from.Just. Don't**

* * *

**The Thin Blue Line (an unexpected pregnancy)**

It was all Rose's fault, he decided, glaring at the thin blue line as though it would disappear if he stared at it long enough. He thought back on that night exactly 2 months previously.

It _was_ Rose's fault, he convinced himself.

* * *

_"Doctor?" she bounded into the console-room grinning. "Can we go do something fun?"  
__His jaw dropped – what was she wearing?! __What was she _not_ wearing?! "W-w-what?" he stuttered, trying to keep his wits about him.  
She shrugged, totally oblivious to the effect she was having on him. "I just wanna go somewhere laid back. Relax a bit. Have a few drinks y'know?" She bent over to tie up one of her shoelaces, and the Doctor staggered slightly, gripping onto the console for support. The only response he could manage was "guh" as her skirt lifted slightly to reveal lacy black knickers.  
"What was that?"  
"I," his voice was unnaturally high, and he hastily cleared his throat. "Rose, **what** are you wearing?!"  
_"_Huh?" she glanced down at her attire. "...clothes?"  
__"Oh really?"__He allowed a small smirk to cross his features. "__I was always under the impression that clothes were meant to actually cover your body."__He looked pointedly at Rose's tight white strap-top which showed off about 2 inches of flat stomach. __He let his eyes take a leisurely wander down to the 'skirt' which, __he figured, __was more of a belt than anything else.  
__"Thanks,"__she said huffily. "__I figured we were gonna go somewhere where we wouldn't be running for our lives- so I thought it'd be a 'once-in-a-lifetime opportunity' to wear these.."__she turned back towards the corridor. "__But fine – if you want me to, __I'll go change."  
__Before she could even blink, __the Doctor was in front of her, __blocking the way to her room. "__Woah woah woah,"__he hastily backtracked. "__Now I never said you needed to change! __In fact, __I think you look absolutely fine! __More than fine!__Amazing. __Perfect for a 'relaxed' evening actually."  
__She positively beamed at him. "__Thanks Doctor."_

_And so they'd ended up at a bar on the planet of Florboa. __Rose had immediately begun to down cocktail after cocktail, __and the Doctor followed her lead – he'd spent so much time convincing her that,__because of his 'superior Timelord genes' he didn't get drunk, __that he managed to convince himself too._

_Needless to say, __they both got pissed out of their minds._

_They'd staggered to the TARDIS, __giggling like teenagers.  
__They'd done what all drunk Timelords and drunk humans do when drunk together – they kissed clumsily.  
__The kisses led to touches; __hich led to moans; __which led to clothes being shed; __which led to nakedness.  
__So__of course, __it was no surprise really –considering they were both drunk, __naked and incredibly horny – that Rose ended up in the Doctor's bed, __underneath said Doctor __（__to be precise) – and crying out with him as he thrust into her._

* * *

Yep. It was definitely Rose's fault, the Doctor concluded. She shouldn't have worn that skirt. 

And so now he was stuck here, in the bathroom, looking at some dumb blue line; the only word going through his mind being；

_**SHIT**__**！**_

There was a bang at the door. "Doctor! Open this door! Why the hell have you locked it? You _never_ knock the door." Rose's shrill voice came through the door. "What are you doing in there? You're not playing with yourself again are you？ Remember what happened last time"  
Like he could ever forget what happened 'last time' – how was he to know that Rose had managed to video his 'antics' on her phone？ How was he to know she'd post it up all over the internet？ He shuddered。 No – he'd _never_ be able to forget that。

He took a deep breath – ah well， she'd find out sooner or later anyway。 He slowly opened the bathroom door。

"Finally！ What were you do:-" she stopped at the look on his face。"What？ Doctor what's wrong？"

"Oh Rose，" his lower lip trembled as tears welled up in his eyes （melting Rose's insides in the process）。 He managed to choke it out。 "I'm。 I'm。 I'm。"

He lifted up the small white stick and trembled as he whispered，"I'm pregnant。。。"

* * *

Rose stared at him or moment before she burst out laughing。 "Excuse me？ Pregnant？"  
"Yes，" he said haughtily。 "And it's quite traumatizing – thank you for your sympathy。"  
"But， but，" she spluttered； eyes streaming from laughter。 "I thought you were a _man_。。。"  
"Very observant of you， I must say。 **SO WHAT**？" he narrowed his eyes – what was her problem？  
"Uh。 Well，" she was a little caught out – he sounded so serious。 "Men don't _get_ pregnant。。。" Was she going to have to draw diagrams？ She hated drawing those bloody diagrams。  
"Uh， yes they can。"  
"No they can't" she said， now fearing for his sanity。  
"They _can_，" he insisted。  
"Doctor。 Really。 I swear to God they can't。 Only women get pregnant。"  
"Wait。 What？" he sounded confused。  
"I said only women get pregnant。。。"  
"So。 Wait。 Men don't get pregnant on Earth？" he was dumbfounded。  
"Uh， no。。。 Why？ Do they on Gallifrey？"  
He nodded。  
A moments pause before they both said simultaneously： 

"That is _so_ not fair！"

* * *

"So explain this to me again。 How exactly is it going to come out？" 

He shifted uncomfortably。 Sex with Rose was one thing。 Loving her was one thing。 Having a family with her was one thing。。。 But explaining the biology of his anatomy using drawings was something else entirely。  
"It just。。。 comes out，" he said， his head in his hands。  
"But uh。 Isn't it like。。。 Really painful？"  
"Well I imagine so！" he said， exasperatedly。 "It's not as though I've done this before！"  
"I thought you had a granddaughter. You must've had kids。。。"  
"C-section，" he said gruffly by means of explanation。  
Rose couldn't help but snort with laughter – the images going through her head were hilarious。 This whole idea was preposterous to her。  
"Well I'm glad you find it so funny，" he glared at her。 "At least _someone's _enjoying themselves。"  
"I'm sorry，" she tried to look serious， before collapsing into a fit of giggles。  
"It's yours you know，" he said quietly。

_That_ sobered her up。

"What？" she breathed。  
"The child。" He pointed at his stomach。 "It's yours。"  
"How d'you know？" she trembled。  
"Oh come off it Rose！" he scoffed。 "You're the only person I've made love with in abou a century。"  
"Fuck！" she said in wonderment。  
"Yes，" he beamed proudly， glad that she understood。"That's exactly what we did。"  
"We。 We're going to have a BABY！" she jumped around screaming。 "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY！"

_**

* * *

**_

"Bloody hell Doctor。 You're huge！" she sniggered。  
"Gee， thanks，" he looked rather put out。  
"Aww， I'm sorry，" she ruffled his hair affectionately。 "But it's true。"

They were buying him maternity clothes – yes Rose never dreamed she'd see the day that the Doctor would slap his hand on the console in aggravation and announce that he needed proper maternity wear。。。 It was a strange life， she decided。 They'd promptly landed on a huge planet that the Doctor had called 'Neorphia' and had told her it had the largest maternity clothes section in the universe。  
So there they were， both in a rather large changing room； Rose helping him out of his clothes， pausing to gently stroke his swollen belly。

"She's really ours，" she said softly。（The Doctor had informed her earlier that it was a girl – claiming that he just instinctively'_knew_'the gender， and started nattering about Timelord senses）。  
"She really is，" he replied， just as quietly a he smiled gently at her。 "So， what did you pick out for me then？" （He'd generously allowed Rose to browse the clothes racks for him while he went to look at the fancy gizmo accessories for pushchairs）。  
"Well，" her smile faltered。 "Erm， the thing is Doctor。。。 The thing is。。。 You know you're like， a Timelord？"  
"。。。Very well。"  
"And you know how Timelords are， erm， Unique？"  
"In most respects， yes。"  
"Well，" she coughed lightly。 "It seems you're unique in the pregnancy-respect too。。。"  
"What are you on about？"  
"I looked Doctor – I really did – but it seems that every other species in the universe have female pregnancies。" And with that， she moved aside so he could see the large array of flowery skirts， shirts and dresses she'd found。  
"**What**！？" he yelped/  
Her mouth twitched。  
"You're finding this _funny_！" he moaned。  
She let herself grin。 "Yea。 But you make it so easy Doctor。"  
He gave a growl。 "I am _not_ wearing any of those。"  
She sighed。 "Doctor， you've already split that pair of brown trousers you always seem to wear – and the TARDIS isn't exactly stocked up on pregnant-men's-clothing。"  
"Bloody hell，" he huffed。

Half an hour later， and they were carrying bags laden with skirts and one particular sparkly pink dress which Rose had **insisted** he buy for just lazing around the TARDIS in。。。

_**

* * *

**_

"Doctor， PUSH！" Rose encouraged as he squeezed her hand until it turned a nasty purple colour。

They were in a hospital room， having rushed in after the Doctor's surprised exclamation of "I think my waters just broke" before a load of reddish watery 'stuff' trickled down his leg。 "Hmm。。。 I didn't think I was due。"  
Followed by Rose's terrified yell of "YOU ARSE！ WHY DIDN'T YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHEN IT WAS COMING？？？？"  
"WHY DIDN'T YOU？！" he'd shot back。 "IT'S **HARD** WHEN YOU'RE IN A TIMEMACHINE！"  
He was most embarrassed， actually， as he hadn't had time to change into different clothes， and he was now currently lying on the hospital bed in a certain shimmering pink dress。 My oh my， the doctors and nurses had been more than a little surprised。

"I AM pushing！" he yelled； his face mottled red。  
"Push harder then！" she yelled right back。  
"ARGH！" he screamed， before hissing though the pain at her。 "I am never having sex again。 I swear – I'm gonna become celibate。"  
But Rose's reply was drowned out when he tipped his head back， moaning loudly as a few tears leaked out and dribbled down his cheeks。  
"Oh honey，" a kindly nurse said to him。 "We just need one more big push， and its head will be out， K？"  
He shook his head。 "Can't，" he panted。 "Won't。"  
The nurse looked at Rose helplessly， and Rose knew she was probably thinking something along the lines of why the Doctor had such a useless birthing partner。

"Yes you can！" Rose said to him。 "Do it for me！ Do it for us！ Do it for our daughter！"  
He turned his gaze to her， and she could see the pain in them。  
"C'mon Doctor，" she gestured at their entwined hands。 "Show me how much it hurts。" （Like he hadn't already been doing that）。 He managed to， if possible， sqeeze her hand even harder than he'd been doing so before。  
His face turned crimson as he pushed， Rose's hysterical cries of， "Yes Doctor。 YES。 Show me！ Keep going！！！ Come on Doctor！" mingling with his own agonized screams。

"And。 It's。 A。 Baby！" came the voice of one of the doctors by the foot of the bed。 Before Rose turned to look at their child， she gazed at the Doctor。 Both pairs of eyes were moist as they gazed at each other， beaming。 "Well done Doctor，" she kissed the tip of his nose before turning to the baby。

"Uh Doctor。 Why is she blue？"

"Goddamn it woman，" he almost chuckled。 "Didn't you read any of those books I gave you？"  
"Nope，" she stretched out her arms to the nurse holding the baby。 "Can I hold her？"  
"Him，" the nurse corrected。 "You have a beautiful boy。"  
Rose glanced at the Doctor before taking her son。 "So much for 'superior Timelord senses'。。。"  
He shrugged， exhausted， while Rose cuddled the baby。  
She brought him over， and passed him to the Doctor， who managed to hoist himself up into a sitting position， and hold the boy to his chest。  
"Doctor， what：-" she began。 "Jesus – you breastfeed _too_？！"  
"Yes，" he said indignantly as their son sucked greedily。  
"Bloody hell。"

An hour later， and the three had been moved to one of the wards。 Their son lay in a cot， sleeping peacefully while his father snored away in a nearby bed。 Rose stood by the drawn curtain， simply watching them and smiling softly。

"Rose。 Come here。" The Doctor didn't bother opening his eyes。The bed creaked as Rose slid up against him。  
"S'too small，" she complained before he kissed her。"Y'know," she said breathlessly, "we still need to tihnk of a name..."  
They thought for a while, until Rose had an idea. "I know," she grinned, "How about Jack?"  
He wrinkled his nose. "What? That space playboy?"  
She rolled her eyes. "Aww, c'mon Doctor - you liked him too in the end."  
He gave a small amused sigh. "Fine, fine. Jack it is."

* * *

**_1 week later_**

Jack's wail echoed down the corridor.

"S'your turn," Rose mumbled sleepily into the Doctor's neck as she curled herself tighter around him.  
"Noo. It's yours," he moaned.  
"Doctor, he's your son."  
"He's yours too."  
"Yours more."  
"It's your fault," he countered.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You wore that bloody skirt."  
"You got me drunk."  
"You kissed me."  
"You stuck your cock in me," she argued.  
"_You_ made me cum."  
"Yea?" she said smugly and played her trump card. "Well _you_ gave birth to him..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"Fuck you!" and he got up.

* * *

**A/N:Well, that's that then... Don't really know why/how I came up with that. I think it's from being alone on my own in China, where noone speaks any english... :S**

**Anyway, love it? hate it? Fear for my sanity? Reviews GREATLY appreciated.**


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